I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
