I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
