Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
