id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
