You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
