You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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