Just cropdusted the office
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
