My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My ass is underappreciated
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
