I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
