I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
