hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
