Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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