Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
