If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
