I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
