I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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