I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
