Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
