I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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