I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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