eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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