So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
