you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
