Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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