haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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