I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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