I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
