Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize