I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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