Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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