which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
