3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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