It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
