Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
