I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
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