His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
