in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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