I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
