apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
