My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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