good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
