god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
