I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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