im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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