I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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