Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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