I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
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She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize