i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
