Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize