Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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