She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
