Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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