Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
