I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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