Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
