He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
