Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
