I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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