you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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