he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
