I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
