I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
