Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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