my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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