While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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